I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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