I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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