I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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