Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
