im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
