I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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