my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
