I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Randomize
