"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He shit in the fireplace
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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