so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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