Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
