Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
