Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
