Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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