i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
