he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
