Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
