Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
