The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
