Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
