i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
