a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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