If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
