Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
