Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
