I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
