I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
