I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
