Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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