you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
