The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
