I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
