beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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