how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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