Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
