lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
