I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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