I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
