hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
