I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
