I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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