I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
