i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
