i need an iv and a liver transplant
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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