I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
