I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
