I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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