I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
