I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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