I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Randomize
