Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I cut my penus on the lid.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
