Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
