it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
