think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
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So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
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The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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