Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
