I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Randomize
