We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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