Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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