is your mom at the bar?
Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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