I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
